Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
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