Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
