I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
