dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry about my life...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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