you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
