A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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