wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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