My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
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In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
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Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.