Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal