she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
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I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
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I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.