Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
