My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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