I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
