Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
