She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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