I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
