I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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