Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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