Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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