so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
