just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
