I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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