Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
