he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
