The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
