Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
