god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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