i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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