i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
