how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
