just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We had sex on a dog bed..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My feet surprised me
Randomize
