Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
