How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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