just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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