Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize