if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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