I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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