Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
