Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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