did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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