when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
