We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
