So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
