My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize