A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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