I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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