hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It's blow job season.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
