I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
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I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
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Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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