I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
