I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
