3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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