Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I want to fling myself into the sun
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize