I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
