You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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