so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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