I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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