Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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