We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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