I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
