did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I need a burrito and a hug.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Randomize
