It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
