if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
