fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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